Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time You Are Near?
Honey, we need to talk. We’ve been together seven years. That’s a long time, and I love you—but something has to change.
It’s about the birds.
I hate birds. They are smelly, dirty things whose sole purpose in life seems to be to dive-bomb to within an inch of my head and then veer off, cackling with what can only be an avian version of Voldemort’s evil laugh. I know I’ve asked you about your constant entourage of birds before, and you’ve said that they just long to be close to you, in much the same manner as I do. But that’s just not enough anymore. If the birds want to be close to you, I do not. You’re going to have to choose.
When I was young, family friends had a baby parrot, and when they went to Florida for a week they asked us to watch the bird. Her name was Jasmine (after the Disney princess). At the time we had a cat, Pierre. Pierre was a really good hunter, and one day Jasmine got our of her cage and we found her hopping along on the floor. We put her in her cage, and five minutes later the cat came downstairs and we were all relieved that the situation had not become tragic. Later, when Jasmine bit me in the ear and then pooped on my favourite shirt, I was not so relieved anymore.
“But birds are a valuable part of our ecosystem,” you say. Well, I am a valuable part of your life. Does a bird listen to you rant when you get in a fight with your parents, occasionally assuaging you with a soothing noise or gesture? No. Will a bird make you soup when you’re sick? No. Birds aren’t capable of the fine motor functions necessary to open a can of soup, let alone to handle hot liquids without posing a danger to you.
I’m a good woman. My lifespan is at least twice that of your average bird. I know, I know; parrots can live up to 50 years. Whatever. Choose me or be out by Friday.
Posted by Stephanie